Friday, August 30, 2013

Coming Clean

Its true what they say that everything in retrospect is 20/20
Looking back at these past few years I have realized some things about myself
I only hope that I can say the things I want to say publicly
in a way that is clear and to the point.
(Warning: This will be a really long post...I have a lot I need to get off my chest.)
 I have few regrets about my life but the biggest regret I have 
is wishing that I had taken my health more seriously in my youth.
I wasn't an overweight kid and as a child I was always active.
Once I became a teenager is when I started to struggle with my weight and self image. 
Besides dancing I never had any physical activity.
I ate like crap
All the time
I had good examples around me...
all of the girls that I envied so much
They would exercise and eat right.
I remember one of my dance teachers telling me
exercising and eating right
were key steps to being a better dancer.
I remember thinking to myself that I needed to do that
I just didn't know where to start.
I was just oblivious to all the people around me that could have helped.
My best friend 
Was a marvelous example to me when we met at Snow College.
She would exercise everyday 
I had opportunities to exercise with her but hardly took them..
She would however cook me the healthiest meals 
and it was her that taught me that 
having flat abs is more about what you eat than what you do to exercise.
Of course exercise is very important.
I am very grateful to her for many reasons but, for the kindness 
she showed me during those times really stand out.
I gained weight in college
everyone basically does...
some more than others
I will be the first to admit that I really enjoyed a bowl of ramen
every day:)
But my weight didn't really skyrocket until after Snow...
When I stopped dancing
(No more activity)
During that time my self esteem really dropped.
I wasn't surrounding myself with the type of people that helped that
they actually kind of did the opposite.
They were fun to be around but, I was pretty much numb to how truly unhappy I was.
I was really overweight and I was trying to date
I joined LDS singles where my best friend at the time found the love of her life
and I mainly found guys that just wanted to make out with me or
 do other things that I wasn't willing to do.
I couldn't believe that was all I could find out there in the world.
(20/20 hindsight: I was only finding people that were like me with zero confidence in themselves.)
I firmly believe that you attract people that are just like you.
Finally a few years later I joined Weight Watchers with my mommy.
I started to learn how much eating healthy
and with that I lost 27 pounds!!!
I gained my confidence back and I started making really good friends
and I met the love of my life:)
Then something happened that would kill any self image I had of myself at that moment.
(Cue Moulin Rouge soundtrack: Jealousy, yes jealousy will drive you....MAD!)
That song is so true.
I remember everything about that fateful evening.
I was going to meet my wonderful boyfriend during his rehearsal of Footloose the Musical.
The cast was practicing in the basement of a local bank in Magna.
I was so nervous because I knew that his ex would be part of the cast
I was worried about her judging me...
My self esteem had been slightly regained but I wasn't exactly the most confident of people.
I was already shaking as I made my way downstairs.
There she was
this petite blond
and there I was...
not a petite
not a blond.
I started to cry
'How could anyone get over a girl like that?'
That's the thought that would haunt me for quite some time...
I didn't stop crying in the hall by myself even after the rehearsal got out.
She even walked past and gave me a very cool "Hey.."
I hated her...but I knew that if I were to keep my boyfriend I had to be more like her...
Because for some reason I had completely forgotten how amazing I am
within minutes.
My jealousy of her sparked many arguments with my boyfriend
(who thankfully stuck it out and married me)
and finding out more about her started to consume my life.
Two words
Facebook Stalk
Everyone pretty much does it and I shamefully admit that...
I'll be completely honest I checked her Facebook wall daily
sometimes multiple times a day...
You know in Mean Girls when she talks about how she started talking about Regina all the time
and the other times she'd pray that someone would bring her up into conversations
so that she could talk about her some more...
Yep guilty of that as well.
 I just wanted to be exactly like her
So I began forgetting who I was and started trying to be who she was.
Even with all the reassuring from my husband that he was COMPLETELY over her
I just didn't see how he could ever love someone as ugly and as fat as me after dating her.
I would ask every one I knew would be completely honest with me even if it hurt my feelings
if she was prettier than me after showing them a picture of her.
They would always reply with a no but, I knew they were just lying.
I didn't believe anyone...
I basically ignored everything he told me he felt and kept feeling awful about  myself.

To make a long story short
and try to make it a little less complicated
(emotions are sometimes very hard to describe)
I have struggled with this feelings of hatred, jealousy, low self-worth and sadness
for years now.
These past few weeks I have realized that with my hindsight 20/20 I have completely forgotten who I am and who I was.
I need to find myself fully again.
I need to remember that I have a wonderful life right now.
I have an amazing husband who makes me laugh nearly everyday.
He knows all my faults and he still loves me unconditionally.
He would do anything for me and our son and he keeps me sane.
I also have an adorable son.
He makes me laugh and I know that when he looks at me I am the most amazing person he knows.
He's my best buddy and I love hearing his little laugh every day and I make a point to make him laugh every day just so I can hear it :)
Even though I am not super model thin
I am the smallest I have been since high school.
And as my good friend pointed out to me the other day by sending me this picture I have come a long way.

Starting today I am waging war against my bad self esteem.
Because the sexiest people are the people that are truly happy with themselves.
I am starting a 60 Day Challenge for myself that not only includes eating healthy and exercise
but, I am going to write down 5 things I like about myself everyday here on this blog.
I am going to end with my favorite song right now...because it explains perfectly how I feel.
Better posts are soon to follow:)

1 comment:

  1. Love you Sarah! You are and always have been beautiful inside and out. Good for you for taking care of your mental and physical health. I have been guilty of a lot of the comparing and jealous things you did too and it's nice to hear someone be so honest and open. For a long time I just couldn't understand why my hubby would choose to be with me. It can be so hard to love yourself and Satan wants us to find things wrong with ourselves no matter what, but we can't believe him! Love you!