Coming Clean

Its true what they say that everything in retrospect is 20/20

Looking back at these past few years I have realized some things about myself

I only hope that I can say the things I want to say publicly

in a way that is clear and to the point.

(Warning: This will be a really long post...I have a lot I need to get off my chest.)

 

 I have few regrets about my life but the biggest regret I have 

is wishing that I had taken my health more seriously in my youth.
I wasn't an overweight kid and as a child I was always active.
Once I became a teenager is when I started to struggle with my weight and self image. 

Besides dancing I never had any physical activity.

I ate like crap

All the time

Everyday

I had good examples around me...

all of the girls that I envied so much

They would exercise and eat right.

I remember one of my dance teachers telling me

exercising and eating right

were key steps to being a better dancer.
I remember thinking to myself that I needed to do that

I just didn't know where to start.

I was just oblivious to all the people around me that could have helped.

My best friend 

JoNeal:)

Was a marvelous example to me when we met at Snow College.

She would exercise everyday 

EVERY

day.

I had opportunities to exercise with her but hardly took them..

She would however cook me the healthiest meals 

and it was her that taught me that 

having flat abs is more about what you eat than what you do to exercise.

Of course exercise is very important.

I am very grateful to her for many reasons but, for the kindness 

she showed me during those times really stand out.

 

I gained weight in college

everyone basically does...

some more than others

I will be the first to admit that I really enjoyed a bowl of ramen

basically

every day:)

But my weight didn't really skyrocket until after Snow...

When I stopped dancing

(No more activity)

During that time my self esteem really dropped.

I wasn't surrounding myself with the type of people that helped that

they actually kind of did the opposite.

They were fun to be around but, I was pretty much numb to how truly unhappy I was.

I was really overweight and I was trying to date

I joined LDS singles where my best friend at the time found the love of her life

and I mainly found guys that just wanted to make out with me or

 do other things that I wasn't willing to do.

I couldn't believe that was all I could find out there in the world.

(20/20 hindsight: I was only finding people that were like me with zero confidence in themselves.)

I firmly believe that you attract people that are just like you.

Finally a few years later I joined Weight Watchers with my mommy.

I started to learn how much eating healthy

and with that I lost 27 pounds!!!

I gained my confidence back and I started making really good friends

and I met the love of my life:)

 

Then something happened that would kill any self image I had of myself at that moment.

 

(Cue Moulin Rouge soundtrack: Jealousy, yes jealousy will drive you....MAD!)

That song is so true.

I remember everything about that fateful evening.

I was going to meet my wonderful boyfriend during his rehearsal of Footloose the Musical.

The cast was practicing in the basement of a local bank in Magna.

I was so nervous because I knew that his ex would be part of the cast

I was worried about her judging me...

My self esteem had been slightly regained but I wasn't exactly the most confident of people.

I was already shaking as I made my way downstairs.
There she was
this petite blond
and there I was...
not a petite
not a blond.
I started to cry
'How could anyone get over a girl like that?'
That's the thought that would haunt me for quite some time...
I didn't stop crying in the hall by myself even after the rehearsal got out.
She even walked past and gave me a very cool "Hey.."
I hated her...but I knew that if I were to keep my boyfriend I had to be more like her...
Because for some reason I had completely forgotten how amazing I am
within minutes.
My jealousy of her sparked many arguments with my boyfriend
(who thankfully stuck it out and married me)
and finding out more about her started to consume my life.
Two words
Facebook Stalk
Everyone pretty much does it and I shamefully admit that...
sigh....
I'll be completely honest I checked her Facebook wall daily
sometimes multiple times a day...
You know in Mean Girls when she talks about how she started talking about Regina all the time
and the other times she'd pray that someone would bring her up into conversations
so that she could talk about her some more...
Yep guilty of that as well.

 I just wanted to be exactly like her
So I began forgetting who I was and started trying to be who she was.
Even with all the reassuring from my husband that he was COMPLETELY over her
I just didn't see how he could ever love someone as ugly and as fat as me after dating her.
I would ask every one I knew would be completely honest with me even if it hurt my feelings
if she was prettier than me after showing them a picture of her.
They would always reply with a no but, I knew they were just lying.
I didn't believe anyone...
I basically ignored everything he told me he felt and kept feeling awful about  myself.

To make a long story short
and try to make it a little less complicated
(emotions are sometimes very hard to describe)
I have struggled with this feelings of hatred, jealousy, low self-worth and sadness
for years now.
These past few weeks I have realized that with my hindsight 20/20 I have completely forgotten who I am and who I was.
I need to find myself fully again.
I need to remember that I have a wonderful life right now.
I have an amazing husband who makes me laugh nearly everyday.
He knows all my faults and he still loves me unconditionally.
He would do anything for me and our son and he keeps me sane.
I also have an adorable son.
He makes me laugh and I know that when he looks at me I am the most amazing person he knows.
He's my best buddy and I love hearing his little laugh every day and I make a point to make him laugh every day just so I can hear it :)
Even though I am not super model thin
I am the smallest I have been since high school.
And as my good friend pointed out to me the other day by sending me this picture I have come a long way.

Starting today I am waging war against my bad self esteem.
Because the sexiest people are the people that are truly happy with themselves.
I am starting a 60 Day Challenge for myself that not only includes eating healthy and exercise
but, I am going to write down 5 things I like about myself everyday here on this blog.
I am going to end with my favorite song right now...because it explains perfectly how I feel.
Better posts are soon to follow:)



Day 1 of Running...

Was absolutely

HORRIBLE

My dislike of running has definitely come back.

I only ran 1.7 miles

(Goal was 2.5)

And I nearly died.

Oh well I am not gonna let it defeat me.

I am going to keep plugging

and I mean plugging

because that's how fast I run:)

Just keep plugging along!!!

Tomorrow will be day #2 I will run 2 miles even if it kills me!

Ha!

I did Les Mills Pump today

and because of the run up this big hill behind my house

All the squats and lunges

KILLED

Holy moley!!!!

Hopefully my legs will start looking good soon!

I also found out yesterday my husband has the goal to run

The Ogden Marathon next year.

Oy!

Do you think I can do it?

I really cannot even fathom running 26.2 miles...

I might go for the half...

I dunno

My Husband agreed that might be the best because I

"wont slow him down that way"

Haha sounds typical of my husband..

I guess we'll just see how this 10K goes.

I am so happy to be back being active again!

It makes me so much happier and loving life more!

What did you do today?

REBOOT

I am back!!

Sorry I have been MIA for the past few weeks.

We bought a home in Ogden and have moved!

I can't believe it actually happened.

So with all the stress and craziness of moving I had to kinda put some things aside...such as blogging.

I did pretty well however on keeping up with my exercising...

until

the week of moving!

I was so busy packing that I put exercising aside

I didn't eat too terribly well either!

(Side note: Did you know that with moving; packing boxes and lifting them everywhere you burn THOUSANDS of calories?!? No wonder you are always starving when that stuff is happening)

With that being said no wonder I didn't gain too much!

I kinda balanced myself out...

Problem was after we were in and settled I had THE hardest time finding

MOTIVATION

to workout.

I found myself falling into old habits of munching until I felt sick.

Good thing we don't have any ice cream in the house.

All I had to munch on were my son's treats: Crackers, fruit snacks etc.

Not the worst type of treats but definitely not helping towards my weight loss.

During last week I felt so lethargic and chunky!!

I knew I had to get back into the groove of things but I didn't feel like I had the energy to do that.

Because of the lack of energy I found myself thinking that I'll never reach my goals.

These 10 lbs are going to be soooo hard to lose.

because I just keep hovering around 143-146...

I am on what we call a plateau.

So whats my plan of attack?

I'll tell you
Last year I ran my first ever 5K

It was amazing to know that I could run that far

 seeing as how I used to hate running so bad!

For real

It was the worst.

After I ran it though I found myself craving to run more.

I set a goal to run a 10K this 4th of July.

So with all this non exercising I failed to realize that

the 4th of July is only in 6.5 short weeks!

HOLY!!!

I am no where near ready!

So I made myself a little training planner..

( I would show a pic but I am currently without Internet)

and today I started!

I will be running 8 miles this week and work my way up to 12 miles/week.

My new game plan comes with my new training regimen:

I am going to start focusing more on performance goals instead of weight.

I am so stuck on loosing weight that I have completely forgotten

to have fun!

Life is more than a number on a scale!

I am sad that I let myself get so obsessed with weight

but

NO MORE!

Someone very smart

(My amazing Husband)

Once told me that if I focus on performance goals the rest will fall into place!

I will start loving the way I look along the way

For now, however, I am focusing on the finish line!

Rants about the world today and eating.

 First off sorry I have been MIA for the past month.

Its been crazy busy with my husband receiving a job

and looking for houses.

With all the hustle and bustle its been really hard to maintain my goals

for the most part I do okay

but there have been days I find myself falling back into my old habits.

But NO MORE

I can't let this excuse of being so stressed ruin my goals.

So the other day while trolling facebook I saw this picture. 

 This is the Famous Marilyn Monroe.

 One of the worlds most sexy women.

Now someone in the comments said that this was photo shopped to prove a point

that she really was a small person...

Okay small or not

she still doesn't look like the models we see today.

She was 5'5" and she was beautiful.

What made her so beautiful was her confidence.

I think that lesson is something that every girl should take to heart.

Its not about what dress size you are

or

what you look like naked.

Its about learning to love yourself.

I thing that is the best part about a weight loss journey.

It takes so long because you have to learn to love who you are

not just the way you look but, who you are as a person.

The first time I saw this picture and read the cation.

I thought to myself

"WHATS HAPPENED TO THE WORLD!"

Why are we so obsessed with appearance that its all we think about?

Yes, we have a HUGE obesity problem that is going global

but, obsessing over the way you look isn't going to bring you happiness.

If we stopped worrying about what others thought of us

or stopped trying to be someone we are not then

we will never be happy with ourselves.

Change of subject..

I have noticed that when I screw up in my eating

I tend to think that I should eat less of the healthier stuff to make up for the calories.

That is so bad for you.

Your body needs the nutrients.

and starving yourself isn't going to help.

I know a lot of people (girls)

that think that starving yourself of nutrients is the only way to lose the weight.

Girls, girls, girls...

This is the worst way to shed those pounds.

You will lose the weight but, as soon as you stop your

"diet"

you will gain the weight back and more.

The only way to loose the weight and keep it off is to

CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE!

I have gone from eating 3 meals a day to eating 5

and let me tell you something.

Eating 5 small meals a day

WORKS

Period.

Not only does it help your metabolism but, I literally am never

STARVING.

If you don't believe me her is some more info

from an adorable lady that I follow.

Fit Friday: 5 meals per day

She is everything that I aspire to be.

Healthy and happy.

And guess what ladies...

she doesn't starve herself to look that way.

She goes to Red Mango just about every week too:)
I thought that what she said there was really insightful.
Give it a shot I promise you won't regret it!

Okay on a lighter note...

THE RESULTS ARE IN!!
Here are my before and after photos for
Les Mills Combat!

Over all I lost 8 inches off my body

2 inches off my waist

(that's the measurement everyone cares about right?)

and a total of 10 lbs lost!

My results would have been better if I had followed the nutrition guide better.

But I will be doing that with my next program

Which I have already started and I am so sore!

Keep it up guys and you too will see results!

It doesn't happen overnight!

I have been working hard for

3 YEARS

to get to this point.

I fit into a size 6 pants...

guys...

I don't even know when I was last a size 6...

when I first started my journey my goal was to fit into a size 8

which was my size as a junior.

But I have surpassed that!

My point is...

keep going and you never know what you'll achieve.

The bigger picture.

 

So I have really been struggling to avoid sweets

and I realized while looking through some of my old posts

that I say that a lot

a lot

a lot

a lot.

I've been thinking..

 what is holding me back from not fully committing?

I believe its because I can't fully visualize myself achieving my goals.

So last night while I was wallowing in self pity

This thought occurred to me.

I imagined what I would do when I stepped on the scale

and saw

135 lbs!

I would probably cry

I cry a lot

but these tears would be the good kind.

I would be crying because I finally achieved it!

Because I knew how hard I had worked for it.

It was a great feeling and I kept thinking about that feeling

until I fell asleep.

I think that this is something that I am going to remember when I am wanting something that isn't going to help me achieve my goals.

However, you cannot just give up everything.

Its okay to have a sweet every now and again.

If you completely deprive yourself that's when

the big CRAVINGS happen.

So I am setting a small goal for myself.

I have a friends wedding coming up in a few weeks.

If I can make it just 3 weeks I can have

a small treat

at their wedding.

I believe that I can do it!

I just have to remember how good it'll feel to achieve my goals!

 

Now on top of that I have to share that I lost 2.6 lbs!!!

I now weigh 147.8 lbs!!!

I am getting there slowly

but, very surely!

I haven't had this weight since high school!

Its been 9 years.

That's a long time.

Isn't it crazy how its so easy to gain weight but so hard to take it off?

I guess that saying "Fat lasts longer than taste"

is definitely so true.

I am so proud of myself.

I know that if I can do it..

you can too!

Its not easy for me at all.

And it shouldn't be.

It would be easy to save up money and get lipo

but I wouldn't be satisfied because I wouldn't have

REALLY

earned it.

Guys, working for it is SO worth it!

You can do it keep it up!

Just keep thinking of the bigger picture

How good you'll feel when you acomplish what you've been working for

It takes some of us years...

But a few years compared to a longer, fuller life

is nothing!



Dreams and Shakeology

Lately I have been having lots of dreams

about eating...

no not just eating

but BINGING

on sweets!!

Somehow a snickers bar is always a part of it...

And when I wake up I'm not necessarily craving sweets

I almost feel satisfied

like I've already had some???

Its weird.

Hopefully I am not sleep eating! ;)

Its been very interesting.

These last few days have been hard on me though.

I have given in to my hedonistic hunger

(the hunger that tells you that you should eat it even though your not necessarily hungry)

I have had a lot more junk than I am used to..

Hey, everyone is human.

But I haven't been feeling so down on myself..

Do you know why?

Its because I know that if I slip up

I can get back on the wagon IMMEDIATELY!

I also have been feelin fantastic lately

and I'll tell you why...

(stepping up on my soapbox now)

SHAKEOLOGY!!!

Seriously people

This stuff is legit!

I have felt so so so so good

ever since I started drinking it.

I have lots of energy

I feel it mostly durning my workouts

I am able to push myself a lot harder and longer.

And I've lost weight...

Like maybe 3-4 pounds.

Nothing official

I missed WW weigh ins last week cause I had to work.

I don't trust my scale at home completely.

BUT according to that scale I am in the 140s!!!

This stuff is so healthy for you

and it keeps me full for hours. 

If you don't believe me listen to these doctors

There are 100 of them

all advocates of shakeology!

 

Now when you go to look for how much it is...

it seems really expensive.

But think about how much you would spend on a meal at McDonalds or Wendy's

$5-$8? Right?

Well when you break down the price of Shakeology per day it comes to just

wait for it

$4 per meal!!!

Thats killer!

Plus if it helps you feel, look and be healthier

then isn't worth it?

I honestly think all of you should be considering it

especially if your trying to lose weight.

Let me know and I will help you get some.

Well as my friends from Combat say

Keep it real and Stay with the Fight!!

 

 

 



Whirlwind

That is how this past week has felt.

It seriously flew by

probably because it was so crazy full of stuff!

I have been successful at working out every single day this week

not so successful at drinking the amount of water I want

nor have I been successful at tracking.

I was also successful at not eating anything

sweet or fattening

at the Super Bowl party I went to!

Wowsa!

How did you do?

It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.

I was thinking..."I could have a piece of pizza

if I wanted

but, how will that make me feel after I eat it?"

Plus, I feel that a big part of my success is that

I made the decision to stay to healthy snacks.

The most fattening stuff I ate was trail mix

minus the M&Ms

I gladly gave them away:)

I also knew that I had had a really good workout the day before.

Snowboarding!

I wouldn't want to let all my hard work go to waste.

 

 

I also had the opportunity to try out some Cross Fit
with my dear friend Whitney Teuscher:)

I was humbled.

It was leg day(LASS short for legs and ass)

 and all things considering I think I did fairly well!

The coach Orlando told me after the class that

I would want to take an ice bath when I got home

I thought really?

I mean come on I wont be that sore.

The next morning I was like

Pfft who needs a ice bath?

Because I really wasn't that sore.

As the day went on though...

HOLY CRAP!!!

I could hardly walk by the time I went to bed.

That's what I get for getting cocky!

 

Any who amidst all of this I signed up to be a

Beachbody Coach!

I am so excited.

As you all know I am very passionate about fitness

It is a new found love of mine

but its roots go a lot deeper than one would think.

You see my beautiful mother is obese.

(Sorry mom there just isn't another way to put it)

I love her so dearly.

She has struggled for most of her life to find happiness with herself.

When she was younger she pretty much tried every fad diet out there.

From starvation to Jenny Craig.

Killing her metabolism.

Growing up I became very afraid that I was going to

end up like her.

and until recently I was very much on that same trail.

One of the biggest motivations for me

is to be a good example to her.

I feel that if she sees how successful I have become

that maybe one day she will be brave enough to start

down her road to health.

She is a very busy woman so she struggles with

taking time for herself.

I know there are many women out there that have the same struggles that she has.

I hope that as I am trying to help her

I can help others as well.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to take care of yourself.

It is the reason I am able to do everything I want to.

If you wanna start living a healthy and more fulfilling life

write me on facebook or visit my site

HERE 

The challenge packs are definitely the best deal they have

Although it seems expensive just think about the fact that in the long run it really

isn't so much.

Because you get to keep the workouts you love forever.

Also, I know most of you think that home workouts are for the 80s

NOT SO!

These workouts are stuff they teach in gyms all over

so why not take them from the comfort of your own home?

You also wont have to worry so much about "looking good" if you care for any of that.

I will be starting a 10 day fitness challenge at the beginning of March also

so if you wanna take a step towards being healthy

but are unsure of how or when you should start...

just let me know and we can get you started!